Monday, December 30, 2013


Well today was rather a let down for ma mère... She jinxed herself by saying she could be a zombie on the walking dead. Not that she looks like one, rather her skin(where the incision is) was not getting blood flow, as a result the skin was dying. Thus making her thirty minute appointment into a seven hour appointment, because they had to do surgery on it. The surgery was only forty-five minutes long but she was not scheduled for one so she had to wait a while. Plus side she got her drain on her right side out so now she can lay on her right side!!! I'm pretty sure she's in pain though (she's sworn a few times). I personally think the doctors like my mom and so they make up excuses to spend more time with her.

Friday, December 20, 2013


Well good evening lovelys! I'm going to talk about singing again tonight, so if you have a phobia of reading about singing then you might as well stop reading now. I am in French 1 and today my teacher decided that we are so good at speaking French, which let's be honest we're not, that we should go around the school caroling(in French). Most of the songs I could only sing one line but I owned Jingle bells. I tried to convince her to let us sing that one in every class we went to because the other songs were kind of depressing. But I realized when I was belting jingle bells in one of the classes that all my other caroling peers were just as depressing as the sophomore boys in the choir concert. And I'm just as bad at pronouncing the words as them but I just tell myself that that I have an attractive accent. So my friends keep on the positive side of depressing events in your life like when nobody yells a song with you, or if your family members are rude to you, especially your siblings, specifically if they call you a rude name (not like this happened to me pfffft....). Oh yeah and my mom? Well I believe she's still alive and kicking it. You go glen cocos.


Thursday, December 19, 2013


Awe, I'm flattered by all of your lovely comments! Sorry I've been busy the past couple of days, hence the no boobie updates. Any who, have you ever been to a choir concert? Let me rephrase that-a high school choir concert? Well I was able to go to one yesterday(at my own school). I went because several all of my lovely friends were in it. Little did I know that it doesn't get better for everyone after Jr. High... Don't get me wrong there were many great performances and many, many awful ones. Most of the songs were the slow paced, which it's nice to sing about the savior and all but I was excited for the common classics songs! About half way through, the choir teacher announced that the next song would be Frosty The Snowman! I thought to myself "FINALLY a non-slow song." I thought too soon. It was preformed by the sophomore boys choir, and I don't think I've ever heard it sang so depressing. It was awful, I'm pretty sure 50% of them were only there because their mom's forced them to be in choir. The other half were just all over the place. My favorite was a kid on the bottom row that was actually trying, but he's like one of those people that audition for American Idol because their family told them that they were good when really they aren't, and so instead of getting hurt feelings by their loved ones they get world wide embarrassment, and they're able to watch it over and over again. Long story short they were able to ruin one of the most cheerful Christmas songs in all of history. (This is the point where I tie it into a life lesson and my mom) So my mother went to the huntsman center Tuesday to get her drains out, sadly she only got one out and was told to rest more. Which is stupid because that's all she's been doing since the surgery! I guess even when she's doing nothing she's doing too much. We as people sometimes expect too much and are disappointed in the end. So be grateful this Christmas season for everything you have. And if some one gets you a gift that you find "stupid," thank them, because at least they're trying to be like Jesus(plus you can always just re-gift).

Monday, December 16, 2013


If I make you smile, I like you. But if I make you laugh I consider you my friend. This is one of my many mottos, but i figured while I got your attention I should educated you as well!
Did you know?
that more than 45 million turkeys are killed each year for thanks giving?(PETA's really upset by this one, but I say LET THEM DIE)
That "shower" in French is "douche"(I like to douche.)?
That the sound of E.T. Walking was made by someone squishing their hands in jelly?
That Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men.(I blame men)?
That the song "Yesterday" by the Beatles is the most covered song?
(Last but not least) That "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"?
My friend John once told me that God is love, and I agree with him. BUT I would add onto that and say that "food" is also love. My dear friends that are bringing love to our house-thank you. I am stressed so that calls for desserts, my dad is craving beef (or something besides chicken) and my mom wouldn't mind a pizza. So spread the love. Also Kevin is still going through a rebellious stage in his life... Stupid Kevin.

Sunday, December 15, 2013


I apologize for any grammar mistakes, keep in mind I'm a sixteen year old girl that could care less about where the semicolon goes. I'm also sorry if I ever offend you because that means you don't understand "sarcasm" which is a sad life to live. Any who, tonight I would like to make this post more interactive! So you will need the following materials:
-a person(any size will do)
-a screwdriver
Ok got those? Now lay flat on your back, place the person on top of your chest(preferably have them standing). Now take the screw driver and every once in a while stab it into a random body part(be creative). Ok the point of this exercise is when you're wondering how my mom feels. Now if you want to take it a step further have some one you love do this and all you can do is hold their hand, this is what I'm going through. So thanks for everything you do:) Sadly her recliner(that I recently named Kevin) is not working.
Thanks for the dinner Nicole Payne Germane! I especially enjoyed the brownies!

Saturday, December 14, 2013


Sorry for the late post, I'm a bit of a night owl and haven't been home. I'm running out of titles... and things to say. Any who, so I've decide boobs are weird. They're just sacks of fat. SACKS OF FAT!!! So why do some guys obsess over them instead of the big sack below? I find the stomach much more squishy and fun to touch. They are are:
1. In the way
2. Hard to run with
3. Uncomfortable to lay on
4. Soft and sensitive
5. Hard to chest bump with
(Of course 1, 2, and 3 depend on the size)
Really men, what's the big deal about them? In conclusion boobs suck.

S/O to Vicki Stevens for the beautiful painting she bought my mom(it made her cry), and Natalie Pressett Nussbaum for the funeral potatoes(they were delicious).

Friday, December 13, 2013


ok, ok, so after confessing my problems to you all last night I figured I should probably talk about my mom's problems. Well not so much of her "problems" more of what's she's going through. So I created a list of questions that asked her, but to make it more fun I'm going to answer each one also.
1. How do you feel?
Mom: I'm uncomfortable, I hurt, and I'm going stir crazy.
Me: quite well actually... I just had a bowl of ice cream:)
2. Are you tired of people asking how you feel?
Mom: *sighs* no, the answer is always the same.
Me: not at all.
3. What's been your favorite part of this experience?
Mom: *looks surprised by this question* Seeing your dad step up and be a great supporter. *begins to cry* he holds my hand at night and tells me I'm beautiful even though they could cast me as a walking dead zombie.
Me: getting to spend time with the wonderful woman who have birth too me!
4. Is this worse than having child birth?
Mom: yes because at least I got to take something cute home with me after.
Me: well... Um.... I haven't went through either of these experiences.
5. How many humps would you have if you were a camel?
Mom: *after referring to the question as "dumb"* one.
Me: Five(that's my lucky number, also I like to support as many people as I can).
6. What's you're favorite Christmas song?
Mom: I don't have one, depends on my mood...
Me: probably walking through a winter wonder land. Or little drummer boy, just because the chorus is extremely fun to yell.
7. What is one of your biggest dreams?
Mom: To take my family to Europe.
Me: To be in the circus.
8. Where's the most exotic place you've ever been?
Mom: Italy.
Me: The men's bathroom.
9. What is something that you want every one to know?
Mom: To treat every one nice because you don't know what they're going through.
Me: I'm now craving funeral potatoes;)

Well thanks for reading this novel, it may-or-may not be my last update... So thanks again for reading these!

- Emma

Thursday, December 12, 2013


Well good evening! So it's beginning to look like Christmas... That is every where but my parent's room. Some of you guys have been sending my mother flowers. Which is AWESOME, they're very beautiful! So it's actually beginning to look a lot like spring! Now I feel like I should tell you a little bit about myself. In particular my quirks. First off I have Misophonia which is described as "the hatred of sound." I specifically HATE the sound of chewing(yes, even if your mouth is closed(no my own chewing does not bother me)). I'm really good at hiding it because I don't like to offend people by telling them they sound like an animal. Moving on, I have heliophobia which refers to the fear of sunlight(more specifically, skin cancer). So if you ever want to get me a cheap gift, get me sunscreen (I prefer SPF 80 or higher). I have meleagrisphobia, which is the irrational fear of (live)turkey's. Ok now you're all probably drooling because you could care less about my phobias BUT theirs a reason I'm telling you! So I have to confess, I have a fear of opening the front door. Which apparently falls under the phobia "Agoraphobia," which is described as a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult, or help wouldn't be available if things go wrong. Which I agree with because who knows who could be at the door?! I usually go for the worst case scenario(a rapist who has escaped from prison who's also a cannibal)... So if you plan to come to my house to visit my mom, (or you're bringing dinner) text her before hand so I know you aren't a child molester plotting my death. -Emma

Tonight's recovery update is brought to you by:

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


We're now in the recovery stage of this "adventure." You know how they say laughter is the best medicine? Well in this case it ain't. It hurts my mom to laugh, cry, and cough. But her smile is still one of the most beautiful smiles in all the world, and I don't think it hurts her to show her pearly whites so thank YOU for giving her something to smile at. On another note, I took this quiz online today called, "Are your loved ones plotting to eat you?" And there's a 53% chance they are... So I'm very grateful for the neighbors/friends who are/will be feeding my cannibal loved ones. Thus decreasing their appetite for my white acne covered skin. And shout out to Amy Porter Mitchell, and Natalie Pressett Nussbaum for the delicious brownies. Also I'd like to point out that neither of them are atheist. -Emma

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


She's still alive so that's good... I guess the doctors thought she was doing great because they sent her home today! So now your all thinking, "I should take a plate of brownies over..." Which is so nice of you, but we like to stick to hospital hours... so no visitors after 7:30(there will be a "place-food-here" sign if you miss your window). Thanks again for all your support! -Emma

Monday, December 9, 2013

Dec. 9th: JUGULAR-SURGERY-UPDATE (10:00pm)

Alright lovely people we finally got to see her!!! Surgery finished about an hour-hour and a half ago... But they took two centuries to bring her to the room. She just said, "It hurts like Hell." (pardon her French). Any who, she says she's thankful for all of you! Please continue with the positive and loving comments so she'll have something to look forward too! -Emma


I'm writing this three weeks after my surgery. My sweet teenage daughter was so excited to post updates following my surgery. But I only had her post to my Facebook. I have had many of my blog followers ask me to post those updates to this blog. So I'll back date them for you to read and enjoy. My daughter is a hoot for sure....

Dr. Newmeyer came out a a little bit ago and said that the first part went well(and faster than expected) so everything is going as planned! Please keep her in your prayers(and if you're atheist we'll take food instead, preferably brownies... Yeah I'm craving brownies). -Emma

Bye Bye Boobie Party Recap

So I'm a planner...I've said that many times during my journey with BRCA1+ and honestly what better way to face the risk of cancer then be in my situation. I get to "plan". But what I really wanted to plan was something beyond the scary, unknown and surgeries...I wanted a PARTY. I wanted to gather my friends around me, laugh and find the JOY.

So I pitched the idea of a "Bye Bye Boobie" party to my friends and hoped they wouldn't think I was completely crazy. They ALL loved it! At one point or another many of these friends have asked me "what can I do for you?" So this seemed a great way for many of us to dump our energy into something fun and not scary like my surgery. And let me tell you, we laughed and laughed!!

The food had a boobie theme of course...
This was my favorite thing at the party...PICK your CUP SIZE drink glass (thanks Tausha)....

Some of my family and friends brought me gifts...

We decorated bras for some fun photos that will make me laugh for a VERY long time...

We had photo props (because what party doesn't)....

And I have the BEST group of friends ever....


Bridget and Camille I'm sorry I can't seem to figure out which person took pictures of me and you so although you aren't featured here, I appreciate you being there!!

Thanks to all my friends that were there and those that couldn't be's a joy finding the positive in this rather negative situation of mine. I'm off to the hospital here in a few minutes and looking over this blog post brought happiness to my heart!!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

BRCA1+ Diagnosis Affects My Husband Too: Suggestion on Coping

Honestly I've given this topic a lot of consideration and have held off finishing it for some time.
Me and My Husband (almost 22 years married)

When I was first diagnosed BRCA1+ I really felt like this was MY journey, not his. I felt like this was my "news" to share and not his. And every time he'd tell me about a conversation he had with someone about me I would more or less flip out. The idea that he was talking about his with people, talking about me to people and acting as if this was his problem to deal with upset up a lot.

However, a wise friend shared the following with me after I vented to her and I could not help but share this hear in hopes of shedding light on how my husband, your husband and other BRCA1+ husbands might feel.

This was how my conversation with my friend started:

Tonight Kirk was telling me he shared what I was going through with a couple of HIS friends and for some reason that really bothered me. I had a complete melt down and struggle when he says "we are going through" this to's not his BOOBS that he is removing.

Anyway, I have a "really" hard time with people talking about me and this crazy stuff I'm dealing do you get over that? It's one thing when I talk to people about it, but really bothers me when he tells me he shared with this person or that person. Did you ever deal with that with family or friends? Am I being completely CRAZY?

You are NOT crazy. 100% normal. This emotional roller coaster is just starting. Things that normally don't even get a second thought will rub you wrong and iriritate you. It's ok. Hang on.

You will realize, early on, that NO one, not even your husband will fully understand what you are experiencing. And no matter how hard you try to articulate the physical and emotional suffering you are experiencing they won't be able to appreciate the gravity of the situation. You will go through a phase where you will want to alienate even your closest family and friends.

You may feel violated when Kirk talks about what's happening because he doesn't articulate to others the severity of what you are going through. Mad because he feels like he is going through it too. Pissed because he is sharing with others. But, it took me years to realize they are going through it too. When you suffer, the people closest to you suffer too. I never realized that they were hurt when I couldn't walk or breathe.

Maybe Kirk is telling people as his way of expressing how he doesn't understand what is going to happen to YOU....not the surgery but how it will affect the Lori he he's used too. The Lori he knows. He understands the physical loss of your breasts but not the emotional loss and change in YOU. People fear what they don't know. I think he is telling people in an attempt to mask the fact he is afraid of how YOU will be different not how different you will look. Maybe is is waiting for a response, from friends/family, that will resonate and make him less afraid. Men feel like they have to fix things, provide security... and as your husband he may feel insecure in the fact he can't fix your suffering. He can't give you emotional security. Sometimes letting him 'vent' to others is good because there will be times you won't want to talk with him.

Take comfort in knowing that the reason he is telling friends is that his love for you is so deep, so unconditional that he IS suffering too. Heavenly Father will be your best friend. Ask him for the strength to endure the surgery, pain and emotional roller coaster and the ability to NOT to kill your husband in the process. Wink. Knowing there are things he will never truly understand is half the battle. I recommend you share your blog. This will help him to realize the depth of what you are going through without minimizing your feelings with a shallow response/comment. Make sense?

Tell him now that there will be times you will need space and will shut him out so it takes the sting out of it when it happens. Take comfort in knowing he loves you. We all love you! And always remember... Its ok to get pissed. Your emotions are YOURS. You are entitled to feel the whole range of them. And, at the end if the day don't forget... You are doing this to live longer so that you can spend more quality time with him. Take what resonates and throw out what is trite and doesn't make sense. Trust your heart. Listen to the Holy Ghost and take solace in knowing that at least he cares enough to think 'this' is happening to you both. Sympathy is better than apathy... Any day.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

MY Breast Reconstruction Options

I have been asked a Warning peeps...we're getting a little bit more graphic then I normally do on the blog. But I've had a few friends ask me to share more information then what I can in an email or message about my breast reconstruction options.

First off, so many people have asked me when my surgery date is...well it's Monday, December 9th. Nothing like kicking off my holiday celebrations recovering from a major surgery right? I will be having my surgery done at Huntsman Cancer Institute, which is part of the University of Utah Medical Service facilities and the best around. The two surgeons performing my surgeries (I made this plural because one surgeon starts my surgery and the other ends it) are two of the best in Utah. Dr. Neumeyer will be performing the actual mastectomy (removal of my breast tissue) and Dr. Agarwal is the Plastic Surgeon that will be doing my reconstruction and the doctor I will most likely see the most.

Second, many, many of you have asked about the reconstruction process... so the remainder of this post will address that topic.

Reconstruction Option 1: DIEP Flap sugery - Love the idea of replacing the fat from my abdomen into my breast...not like I need to keep it there. I also like the idea of having parts of me relocated so I don't have to have foriegn objects in my body. Another plus (or minus) is that the breast do get smaller with weight loss (or larger with weight gain)...unlike having implants. However, I quickly learned that I am not be able to do this because of being overweight. Who would have thought I'd have too much fat. One plus is I won't have two surgical sites (abdomen and breasts). I understand that heavy girls like me also a harder time with recovery and run the risk of complications. Another drawback to this surgery is it requires a much longer surgery almost double then that of option 2 up to about 10+ hours. Honestly I was crushed when I first learned that I didn't qualify for this reconstruction, but I am totally at peace with it now.

Reconstruction Option 2: Implants...not what I ever thought I'd need or want. But this was my plan B and at least my tata's will be relocated to where gravity won't mess with them any more. This process requires them to push my pectoral muscle away from my chest wall to create a pocket to place the implants. In order to make room then will put "implants" in place to start stretching the muscle out. I've heard people refer to this as having a charly horse in their chest...I'm hoping this is not true. The process of being expanded could take anywhere from 3-6 weeks, or possibly a bit longer depending on how my body recovers from the mastectomy. Honestly, I'm not excited about a the weeks of having expanders placed and having to drive up to Huntsman to have them "filled" over that time. But my sistahs that have gone through cancer sometimes have to suffer with the expanders much long there this because of radiation and other factors. Once I'm filled to the size I'd like to be, they will schedule a second surgery to place replace the expanders with the final IMPLANTS. This surgery is called and exchange surgery.

After both surgeries I'm told no lifting at all for 6-8 weeks. Not sure about other restrictions yet.

Let's talk Implants real quick, since I get asked this one all the time too. Saline or Silicone? Mine will be silicone implants. Next question after that is, "Isn't silicone dangerous if they leak?" Well back in the "old" days when silicone implants would leak or rupture they would leak a silicone that was the consistency of syrup. Some thought this would cause breast cancer and other auto immune issues. They were pulled from the market until tested and when they found that they were safe they were put back on the market. Now days they are much better made and are typically called "gummy bear" implants. That means when cut open then have the consistency of a gummy bear. No more leaking of silicone, etc. My plastic surgeon said they're made to last much, much longer and some even a the lifetime of the percipient.

Any I know you're all wondering and would be among those that would ask me, "No, I am not sure what size I want to end up."

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Gambling with Cancer / BRCA1

I had a dear friend put his arm around me one day and ask me, "Are you sure you really need to do this?"

My response was calm and simple. First I realized he most likely has not visited my blog and read about what this meant for me or about how I came to conclusion that having the preventative surgery was something I was very SURE about. But I decided to break it down in man speak for him....

I simply asked him this...

If I told you the airplane you were flying out had an 87% chance of crashing...but of course there is still that 13% chance it would make it to it's destination ...would you take it? His response was, "No way!"

Now if I told you we had another airplane with a 95% chance of getting safely to it's destination, would you take it. He said, "Absolutely!" I explained that this was just what I was faced with and I liked the odds of reducing my risk of getting cancer over my lifetime to about 5%...lower then your average woman my age.

And if you've been reading my blog you know I have an approximately 87% chance of developing breast cancer, in which led me to the decision to have my prophylactic double mastectomy and reconstruction. This option allows me to strike first, have the surgery I'd have to have any way and skip the chemo and radiation.

I loved this example of "gambling with cancer" I read somewhere and saved to share here on the blog (sorry forgot where it was from). "If someone responded with a comment about there being a 13% chance I wouldn't get cancer....I asked them if they would gamble $1000 if they had an 87% chance of winning, every single person said yes. Then I asked if they would still gamble with a 13% chance of winning...they all said no. So I said, I'm not willing to gamble with an 87% risk that something bad is going to be the result. If I had an 87% chance of winning the lottery, I'd be buying a large stack of tickets, but this ain't the kind of lottery I want to win."

Thursday, November 14, 2013

BRCA1 Questions I Have Been Asked

On November 5th I decided to post this image to my Facebook status and let the world know that I am BRCA1+ (since only a small handful of close friends and family knew). What followed was....

An overwhelming out pouring of love from friends all around the WORLD! Hundreds of beautiful comments were shared with me on Facebook, and so many more private messages, emails and texts were sent to me with love, good vibes, prayers and kindness. I C-R-I-E-D and spent hours answering emails and listening to people share their story, their family history and answering questions.

In addition, each time I attend a gathering of friends, attend church or visit with long time friends I'm asked many of the same questions. I do not remember who I tell what to and certainly don't think I'm an expert, but I decided that my best form to answer those questions to many people all at once would be to post them here on the blog. I'm also hopeful that someone recently diagnosed with BRCA will find some information and comfort from what I am sharing here. 

List of Common BRCA1+ Questions:
(and some not so common)

1. When is your mastectomy surgery? 
December 9, 2013

2. What made you get tested for BRCA1? 
In 2010 my cousin was tested after her mom had been told she was BRCA1+. My cousin learned that she too was positive and they felt they needed to inform the "family" about it. Sadly they thought my father had contacted me about getting tested. Not knowing he was no longer speaking to me, my aunt and cousin learned in 2011 that I was never told about the test. So armed with their test results I asked my OB/GYN in 2012 if I should be tested and he didn't feel it was a worry for me (see number 2). It wasn't until a dear friend learned that I was considering being tested that she tracked down the contact information at Huntsman Cancer Institute for their free Genetics Counseling that I finally went up and was tested. The test required me to go through a "family risk assessment" session with a wonderful lady named Wendy (she's been one of my angels). Based on my family history she told me I qualified for the test, but she then explained to me on what that meant. Including my risk and options should I be positive. Then my blood was drawn and sent to a lab to be tested. It took about two weeks to learn my results.

3. You can't get "breast" cancer from your dad's side of the family, right? 
Wrong! BRCA1 proves that in my case especially. The BRCA1 gene that I have was passed to me from my dad and the family history on my dad's side of the family was what qualified me for the test. They did not care if it came from my mom or dad's side.

4. Why should men be tested for the BRCA gene mutation? 
Although they primarily "carry" the gene and pass it to their children it can increase their chance of getting prostate cancer by a small percentage. I wouldn't say that is a reason to be tested for a man, but in my brother's case he should be tested to find out if his daughter could be at risk. He is however waiting until his daughter is older before he is tested.

5. Is Dense or Fatty breast tissue more likely to develop cancer? 
This was a question I had no idea about, because as I've mentioned before I do not actually have cancer. However, I was curious at this question and thought I'd look it up. So according to the Susan G. Komen website it states, "Women with high breast density (as seen on a mammogram) are four to five times more likely to get breast cancer than women with low breast density."

6. Does your daughter have to be tested? And what does she think about all of this?
Yes she will need to be tested (as well as my son eventually) but she will not need to until she's about 25 years old. They do not feel it's medically necessary to have her tested until then and should she be positive they would most likely begin her mammograms early and increase to more radical screening until she's older. But since I'm positive she has a 50% chance of being positive and I am praying her results come back negative. As for what she thinks about all of this? She isn't worried about her getting cancer or being positive. But she is scared about me having this surgery. She doesn't know what I will be like and I think she's worried she'll have to help me out A LOT because her dad won't be here all the time. I assured her she won't have to help me shower or cook and clean all the time...her dad will step up (he better)!! And it is hard for her to not be able to talk to her friends about, they aren't interested and don't know she's scared and worried for me. But she does know I'm doing this so I can WATCH her grow up and become a mother and have my grand babies.

7. Am I having my hysterectomy/Oopherectomy or mastectomy surgery first?
A lot of BRCA1+ ladies choose to have the Hysterectomy/Oopherectomy first because the recovery is shorter. But because my insurance deductible and out-of-pocket limit almost triples in 2014, I decided, with my husband that having the larger, more expensive surgery in 2013 was going to work better for us. Merry Christmas to me!

8. Do I get to pick the size of my reconstructed breasts?
Of course, but other then knowing the "type" of reconstruction I'll be doing I haven't yet spoken to my Plastic Surgeon about size. We work "up" to the desired size over several weeks of doctor's visits (I'll explain more about that in another post).

9. Do they do the reconstruction later or at the same time? 
A little of both...they will do the mastectomy (remove the breast tissue) which will take the bulk of my surgery (up to 5 hours) and then that surgeon and team will leave the OR and the Plastic Surgeon and his team will come in and place temporary expanders behind my pectoral muscle and close me up. The overall surgery is expected to take 5-6 hours. I will then go through a series of weekly visits to expand (stretch out that muscle and make room) and then about 6-8 weeks later have a SECOND surgery where they will remove my expander and replace them with my implants.

10. Do I need to have Chemo and/or radiation?
No, because technically I do not yet have cancer. I sort of get to "skip the line" and go straight for the surgical option. And my friends and family that have gone through both chemo and radiation tell me they would do the very same thing to avoid going through it. I watched chemo eat away the man my father-in-law was and I would like to avoid that at all costs!

11. You are having a hysterectomy too? 
Yes and No. Many BRCA1+ patients opt for the full hysterectomy after talking it over with their OB/GYN. However, after I met with mine, we decided to only have what is called a Bilateral Salpingo Oopherectomy...aka having my both of my tubes and ovaries removed. I opted for the lesser surgery because it  resulted in less blood loss and shorter recovery. I figured after having to undergo the double mastectomy, that I probably would have had enough. I will doing this surgery on FEB 18, 2014...Happy Birthday to me!

12. Can I cast your before and after breasts for an art exhibit?
This question still makes me giggle. It was a serious offer from a local artist and although I was completely flattered, I will have had a lot people touching my breasts leading up to & following my surgery, so I passed!

13. Are you happy that you'll have perkier boobs? 
Honestly, I have to say this question annoys me a bit, but it entirely depends on the person who asks me. What most people don't understand is that I will no longer have any feeling in my breasts because they remove the nerves with the breast tissue. I will have a large "T" shaped scar running along my breast and no nipple. I've heard other BRCA1 positive peeps refer to their newly designed breasts as "Foobs" or "Frankenboobies." So honestly under my clothes I will be happy that they're pointing out, but in the shower maybe not so much. 

14. Does my insurance pay for these surgeries (specifically the reconstruction)?
Actually they do cover the cost of these surgeries including breast reconstruction. Of course I will still have my portion to pay for these surgeries and it won't be cheap. But for more detailed explanation of why insurance companies are "required" to cover these you can read more here, it tells about the Affordable Care Act.

15. Do I get to keep my nipples? 
I really do get asked this... Some BRCA patients are offered the opportunity to do what is called a "nipple sparing" mastectomy. However, I will not be able to. A lot of things affect this being an option, but lets just say that gravity has not been kind to my breasts and therefore in order to remove the breast tissue they will have to remove my nipples. So I will have what many before me have lovingly referred to as "barbie boobs." I haven't learned my nipple reconstruction options, but I have had others offer to donate theirs or we've talked about a big girls weekend in New Orleans for me to get 3D Tattooed nipples by the famous Vinny Meyers (yes really, he's famous among mastectomy patients...and YES they look 3D).

16. Do I need help decorating for the Holidays? 
 Actually no, I'm good. My kids are teenagers and can coach their dad on how to set it up. I am "that" mom who doesn't let the kids help decorate and this year it's all theirs. I actually think they are looking forward to it. I may decorate the porch and my little corner of the bedroom myself, because who doesn't love to have a Christmas Tree to aid in their recovery.

17. What is your address? 
Sadly I'm not going to post this to my blog. If you are a friend or relative that simply needs to update their contact info or send money (wink), please email me for that information. And of course if you know me, I'm not one for surprise visitors. However, I would love ANY snail mail love so you're welcome mail it to my work address at:
My Craft Channel
Attn: Lori Allred
1460 North Main, Suite 1A
Spanish Fork, UT

18. Am I Scared?
Absolutely petrified. From the moment I learned that I was BRCA1+ to this moment writing about what I've learned so far. No one fully understands what I'm experiencing except other "Previvors". And no matter how hard I try to explain the physical and emotional suffering I am experiencing, no one will appreciate the gravity of the situation. Most people have zero idea the depth and magnitude of what I am are going through unless they go through it for themselves. So I will close by sharing something a friend wrote me recently that I could not even try to express as well as she did....

"Be scared poopless. This IS scary. Cry. This will hurt. Curse. This will frustrate. Scream. This will infuriate. Ask; why me. That's OK. But remember; at the end of the day. This WILL improve your quality and length of life. Smile. This WILL enable you to attend your children's marriages. Laugh. This WILL enable you to hug grand babies. Love. This WILL enable you to deepen your love and appreciation for your husband, family and friends."
Whew...I think I got those all answered (and few tears were shed). Remember that their is a RESOURCES "tab" at the top of this blog post under the header that has helpful links to learn more about Breast Cancer, BRCA testing and information. But let me know if I missed anything. You can leave a comment below this post with any additional questions and I'll try to answer them the best I can.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

My First MRI Experience... Not So Sweet

My first MRI experience took place only a few days ago, but left me out of sorts a bit. Why had no one told me what it would be like or was I just being a big whiner about it all? So I asked on a Facebook group I am privileged to be a part of an only a few commented about the MRI and one lady mentioned after doing them for five years as part of her radical screening in place of PBM that she finally decided to get the mastectomy so she didn't have to go through the MRI once a year for the rest of her life.

So, I was told by many that the MRI machine was loud, that they would have me lay face down and my breast would be "cradled" in coils, and that I would "be the filling I a big cannoli".
Well I definitely went into the appointment with a "no big deal" attitude and I think the not knowing was what ended up being to my detriment. All I can say is looking back it "should" have not been a big deal.... But it was. Probably not the biggest deal but it made everything I am doing leading up to my surgery seem so maybe that is why I had a hard time with it.

So let me try and describe what to "expect" of you are reading this hoping to be better prepared (then me of course).

First, I was asked to change into one of the lovely hospital gowns with snaps on the shoulders and it open in the front. They would have given me hospital pants (didn't know they had those), but the girl looked at me and said they don't have any comfortable ones for me (aka big enough for me). Lucky for them my mom told me to wear my stretchy lounge pants that don't have any metal in them..score I got to keep my own bottoms on!!

Second, they led me down the hall to a room with a second smaller room MRI room inside of it and opened the big pressure release door to reveal the actual MRI machine.

But what I wasn't really prepared for was the contraption the were going to have me lay in with my breast hanging down through openings, that were not coils and they were not cradled. The breasts were fine, it was the sloping portion of the machine that went from my belly to my chests and all the pressure hit my ribs and sternum. It was uncomfortable instantly and pain started to radiate through my back. But I am pretty sure I could have handled the physical discomfort and the two attempts to insert an IV in me so they could eventually release a liquid contrast that would help them better photograph the girls... however, it was the mental part that eventually knocked me sideways.

You are asked to NOT MOVE at all or run the risk of having to start the process again. They do give you a panic button, but again warn you that if they have to stop I will have to return another day.
This is not me...but what I would have looked like had someone taken a photo.
The bed is lifted up once the patient is in position and fed into the tube feet first.
This photo doesn't show her with an IV for the contrast solution or the panic button.

Here's a side view with clothed model...still not sure if arms
up over head or down along sides would have been better.

One note worth mentioning is I do experience PANIC attacks on occasion. It seems to be when I am stuck in a situation or location that I cannot see or understand the being shoved in the Vatican with thousands of people shoulder to shoulder and not knowing how to get out (yes this really happened). I am not sure if I would call it claustrophobia or not, but the panic attack is not the funnest side affect of being in this situation.I did start to experience the onset of a panic attack but held it together and totally lost it when I got to the dressing room. I couldn't talk to my mom until we got out to the car and I'm not sure she completely understood me until I stopped crying.

So the process of having an MRI takes about 45-60 minutes from set-up to finish. The actual "hold still" is done in chunks of time that are 4, 5 and 9 minute chunks and alone would be tolerable but the longest chunk of time is at the end when you are completely stressed, tired and want out. It probably was good I was face down, I couldn't see how tight the fit was as far as being the "filling in this metal cannoli"...but I could "feel" my butt and back touch the top of the interior of the machine and kept telling myself it really wasn't that small.

In hindsight I do believe my tendency to experience panic attacks probably was what resulted in my not so fun experience. But I will tell you the next time (if there is one) I am going to request some Valium or anti-anxiety meds and the biggest MRI they have (UofU has two sizes and I am sure I was in the smaller one). Oh and I'm not going to do the "calming" music mix of Adell and Sara Barellis...I'm going full on PINK. I think louder upbeat music with a bit of rebelliousness to it would have help A LOT!

Friday, November 8, 2013

A Hug is All You Need

This past Tuesday was my visit to the plastic surgeon (PS) and the first visit Kirk could come to. Nothing is more fun then having a couple make doctors exam me while Kirk sat watching but I have a suspicion that I will learn to let that go sooner then later. The PS was very nice and went about explaining the best reconstruction options for me and then he proceeded into the potential risks of this surgery. Like any surgery the " what ifs" are pretty scary but I have faith on my side to know what I am doing will all work out. You know the popular quote, "it won't be easy but it will be with it."

I did however hope for more of a ceremony or fan fair about the process of having my breast removed and reconstructed. However the doctors acted as of they do this all the time and it was so matter-of-fact sort of experience for them. They wrapped up their well rehearsed presentation of what would and could happen, they ended with, "okay we will are you on the 9th." That was it! I shook their hands and bid them farewell until that fateful day that would forever change the way I looked at physical body and so much more. Then the nurse, Heidi, who had sat through this visit and my earlier one with the surgeon that would perform the mastectomy; walked up to me and opened her arms to embrace me in a sweet and loving hug and replied with  
"you have been so brave, but you
looked like you could use a hug."

I left with a feeling of hope, rather then despair and so love the nurse named Heidi for giving what I didn't know I needed at that time.

Monday, November 4, 2013

How Big is Your Brave? An Answer to a Prayer

I seem to have left out an important part of "story" and that is my belief that God has a plan for me. I know He is aware of me and my struggles and I know my Savior is with me always. However, that has not stopped me from doubting in myself and my decisions recently.

I have to say learning about being BRCA1 positive really has made me reflect on my relationship with my Heavenly Father a lot. I have prayed so much to know what I'm doing is the right thing FOR ME. And yesterday, Fast Sunday, was no exception to my prayers. But this time I needed to know that my decision to go forward with the mastectomy and removal of my ovaries was the right decision. I needed confirmation that he is listening to me and will answer my prayer. 

Sweet Aleisha and her new Little One Bridget
Wouldn't you know it....every testimony that was shared at church during the services seemed to be a reminder TO ME that he does answer prayers. I heard it over and over. Even later when I jumped on Facebook for a moment I saw people mentioning how their prayers were answered. But what about my answer? Well wouldn't you know it. The good Lord knew the best way to reach me, a blogger was through a friend and her blog post. The title that popped up, "Motherhood Requires Bravery" caught my eye and I clicked over from Facebook. I read, and I cried and I thanked my Heavenly Father for confirming to me that what I was doing was the RIGHT thing FOR ME and also reminding me that I am not doing this just for MYSELF. I'm doing this for my children and their children. I'm being brave so I can continue my story with my husband, extended family and sweet friends. And thank Heavens for Mama Leisha...I needed the reminder to be BRAVE.

So I decided to print me off a couple of these cute graphics I found on Pinterest and post them in places I needed to see. So how big is YOUR BRAVE?

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Meeting My Surgeons Part 1

A friend pointed out that I have not been keeping this blog very up to date because she knew I'd been to Huntsman three time this past week. Well in all honesty I wasn't sure what to write and how much detail to put on the blog. Part of me figured no one would really care and the other part after visiting Huntsman Cancer Institute three times this past week makes me feel very thankful that I am not faced with the harrowing symptoms of cancer and the treatments that follow. However, I am completely overwhelmed and think often times that at some point I will wake up and this will just be a bad dream. I actually told my last doctor that I really had hoped someone would tell me that being positive for BRCA1 is not a big deal and I could just let it ALL go and not worry about cancer any more.

Sadly that was not the case and so I pressed on and met with a couple of doctor/surgeons that will be key characters in my story.

So I met with the Surgeon that will be doing my BPM (Bilateral =  both breasts, Prophylactic = preventative, Mastectomy ...well you all know what that is). She has been doing this for 20+ years and is considered the top of her field. However, her bluntness threw me off a bit. If you know me, you know I'm very sarcastic and can joke with the best of them. But I wasn't prepared for her comments about how "giant" my breasts were. She made a few other comments about my "girth" and "surgery would take twice as long because of my large breasts." I am already a little overwhelmed by all that I'm doing, but to be told I'm BODACIOUS in size and that my size may prevent me from electing to choose the type of recontruction I'd planned on really knocked me sideways. I only broke down once to my mother while waiting for the nurse to confirm scheduling for my upcoming MRI. We did however select the day of my surgery. When is a good idea to do this sugery, turn my normal life upside down and mess up my holidays?? Well there is NOT a good day, trust me...I tried. So we are doing it DECEMBER 9th. Yep...that soon. You see i have to schedule my time, the mastectomy surgeon AND the plastic (reconstruction) surgeon all at the same time. Not to mention the hospital and all other staff...gladly I don't have to deal with the rest of that. I meet with the plastic surgeon this next Tuesday...more details to follow.

At the end of the week I met with the OB/GYN Surgeon that will be performing the surgury to remove my Ovaries. We discussed the option of having a full hysterectomy or just the ovaries, along with hormone therapy following the surgery. I REALLY liked this doctor. Granted she reminded me of a childhood friend of mine, Mel....oh and she is so young. But she was so smart and so informed. She walked into my appointment understanding my BRCA1 diagnosis and handed me a couple of handouts to read. Did I mention I liked her? Her and her resident were so kind and although they brought up my pre-existing "condition" of fatness...they didn't make me feel bad about it at all. We decided to wait until I had time to recover from my December surgery, but still plan for this surgery sooner then later. The date that we were able to get on her schedule was FEB. 18, 2014. Yep, people that means I'll be sucking up my birthday with a shorter recovery, but still a recovery all the same.

So there you have update. Already called my girlfriends and told them to start planning my "Bye Bye Boobie" party and I feel this HUGE SENSE of urgency to get Christmas all planned out and ready to go!

Watch for Part 2 this next week. The plastic surgeon is the BIG one for me...wish me luck!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Decoding Annie Parker: Movie about BRCA1 Gene

I am learning more and more each day about Breast Cancer. How can I not take the time to learn about something that, even though I cannot I have or have had it, affects me so very much right now at this point in my life.

What an amazing story to learn about the hereditary links between family members and breast cancer. To imagine that there was a time doctor's did not believe there was any sort of link. To a day like today, where a genetics test for BRCA1 can tell me, "YES, you are linked to your family and yes, you will most likely develop breast and/or ovarian cancer because of it." Wow!!

I actually had a OB/GYN that I told about my Aunt and Cousin being positive for BRCA1 a couple years ago. He told me, "I wouldn't worry too much, it's from your Dad's side of the family." NOT does not matter if it's your mom's or your dad's side.

Anyway, there's a new movie out that I would have probably overlooked in the past that I may take my TISSUES to and go see....if I can ever find where (so far it seems it's only been released at film festivals). Anyway, it's called Decoding Annie Parker, and I wanted to share this preview.

dap logo

Decoding Annie Parker is a feature film based on the real lives of two remarkable women.  It is the story of Anne Parker, played by Samantha Morton, a sharp witted, funny and irrepressible young woman who watches her mother, then sister, fall victim to breast cancer.  When later, she herself is diagnosed with the disease she believes that her cancer must be hereditary in nature.  She is resolved to fight back against immeasurable odds.

The film is also the story of Dr. Mary-Claire King, played by Helen Hunt, the Berkeley based geneticist whose discovery of the BRCA1 gene and it’s link to hereditary breast cancer forever changed the understanding of the disease.  Hers is considered one of the most important scientific discoveries of the 20th century.

Annie Parker and Mary-Claire King are separated by thousands of miles, by circumstance, background and education, but their lives gradually intertwine until a final, singular and life changing reckoning.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Having a Pity Party Afternoon

So I thought I was finally at the stage where things start to get better and my crazy emotions aren't going up and down. Poor Kirk has suffered through some monumental emotional freak out moments and should get an award for listening and supporting me when I'm crazy. But I've been so busy with work this week that I've felt really good and like I am finally coping. In all honesty, I thought this blog had been the perfect cure for it all...and I was in fact "cured" of my depression. But all the sadness in the world and things I watch my friends going through (kid troubles, death, money, jobs and even cancer) just hit me like a wrecking ball (no Mylie reference intended) and I lost it. I hate crying when I don't feel like I have a reason dang it!

So chalking this up to a bad afternoon...

Then I remembered reading about another BRCA1 gal on the message boards. She was complaining about having a "Pity Party" and how she felt alone. Then I remembered how much loved one of the people's responses to her "Pity Party" and went in search so I could share it here.

Re: pity party, table of one -

by crunchster » 10/2/2011, 11:43 am
Your table has always been a popular one at the Hotel BRCA1 and there are many of us who have sat where you sit. Your posts indicate that you are already enjoying the floor show, "The Tap-Dancing Significant Other" makes frequent appearances in various costumes. Watch as he nimbly leaps and evades your every attempt to lean on him, but sometimes his show does have a surprise ending where he remains solid and there for you. You may also see the acrobatic feats of the Supportive Friends who will try to lure you from your pity place by promising to carry you on their shoulders. The trick here is to realize that some of them really can't carry themselves, much less anybody else, so be prepared for the occasional tumble if you take them up on it. Same story with the "Flying Family Trapeze" some of them will reach out and try to catch you as you "float through the air with the fear of disease" but luckily, you have already set up your own safety net here at FORCE. Even so, you may be able to cling to some of them- or not.
In all seriousness, the circumstances that now surround you are difficult and scary, not just for you, but for the people in your life who really care. You will learn who you can count on. There will be some who will go above and beyond your needs and expectations and others who will drop by the wayside. Some of them will fail you because they have their own baggage, not because they don't care, but because they just don't know how to help you. The lesson I have learned on my journey is don't expect people to somehow "know" what you need from them, no matter how close they are or how much they love you, they cannot read your mind or understand the dips of this emotional roller-coaster that you are now riding. Try to understand that they, too, are riding their own scary ride in which they fear for you and for the impact that this will have on their own lives. That's a hard adjustment to make and some people will just not respond in the way that you need them to. For some, time will bring them to the right place because this is, primarily, about "you." For others, it will always be about "them." For the guys in my life, I've found that concrete tasks are what they do best. My son devoted himself to finding good DVDs and entertainment for mom during her recovery. My husband helped me set up my "nest" for post-surgery. They really want to "do" something for you, even though what you may want is for them to hold you and tell you that it will be okay. And when you are ready to get up from your table, just remember that you are doing this to avoid that other table in the house; the one that faces the "exit" sign.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Appointments all Scheduled...BREATHE

I have to keep telling myself to BREATHE... especially when I start to feel a bit overwhelmed. Honestly, after all my breakdowns over the weekend the past couple have days have been rather calm and free of a lot of much emotion and panic. I also think writing these posts is VERY helpful for me. Ever since I started I don't feel so out of control with illogical emotion.

So taking a deep breathe...

However, today I have spoken to the people at the Huntsman three different times. Feeling happy that things seem to be moving forward, but also a little freaked out at the realization this is REALLY happening to me. Yesterday I was thinking... maybe it will all go AWAY but it's not!

Anyway, just a quick update...I have scheduled my first appointments for the following:

  • Gynocologist - She will be talking to me and planning what we're doing for my hysterectomy.
  • Surgeon #1 - This appointment will be the one we talk to about the details regarding Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy. Hopefully he can answer all my questions about the pre-op, operation and post-op.
  • Surgeon #2 - This doctor will be the lucky receipient of MANY questions regarding my reconstruction options. I always wanted to say I went to a plastic surgeon, but this was not what I ever imagined. Go figure!
So happy that I can work towards making a PLAN...but still scared.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Angelina Jolie & Me

So both Angelina and I are BRCA1 huh? And my cute boss said to me after I told her my news, "This is probably the only time in your life that you will have something in common with Angelina Jolie."

Which is funny because I've had a bit of a girl crush on her for the longest time. And who wouldn't love some Brad Pitt. But as you may or may not have heard, she tested positive for BRCA1 and decided to go public about her recent Mastectomy and reconstruction. If you missed it, you can read more about it in her New York Times, "My Medical Choice." 

So like any blogger or social media addict like myself, I turned to the internet and found some useful and not so useful information about being positive for BRCA1. Here are some I first found. 

Medical Choice Video 1

New York Times: The Story of a Previvor

New York Times: Revisiting a Previvor

Previvor Video

Thursday, October 10, 2013

So Many Questions and a Mammogram

I was thankful that Wendy from Huntsman Cancer Institute has been so patient. She was more then wiling to schedule this appointment with her and an Oncologist at the Huntman Cancer Institute. We spoke for a while, they then took action at my request and made appointments for me to meet with a Gynecologist and the two surgeons that would possibly do my Mastectomy and reconstruction. And as an added was a year since my last mammogram so before I left I got my tata's squished!

The appointment was to address my initial plans for screening and/or surgery. They were both so good at answering all my questions regarding my risks of cancer and surgeries. My mom was there by my side. I opted to take her to this appointment only because she tends to keep me calm and not anxious like Kirk. Wendy did give me my official test results with the Clinical Note/Letter. In fact, let me share a bit....

Official Assessment Letter: Your family history is significant for hereditary breast and ovarian cancer syndrome, and there is a known genetic alteration in the BRCA 1 gene in your family. The specific mutation identified in your family is called Q1313X. Genetic alterations (mutations) in this gene are known to cause a highly increased risk for breast and ovarian cancer. When your sample was tested, the Q1313X mutation was identified in the BRCA1 gene. Women with a BRCA1 alteration have up to an 80% lifetime risk for breast cancer and up to a 60% risk for ovarian cancer.

The BEST information I receive today from our trip to Huntsman was learning that there is a website called FORCE This website has forums for questions from others like me, links to a local support group, doctors, articles and so much more. It's all people like me that have a genetic mutation that makes them HIGH RISK for developing cancer. In fact, here's a quick fact sheet about FORCE.