My Story Continues....2 Years Later

Two years ago this blog was all about my BRCA1 diagnoses and my prophylactic surgeries that followed. But then it just ended...this blog that is.

Following my surgeries....

I was depressed.

I had anxiety. Going out in public was traumatizing for me.

I was paranoid that everyone was looking at my chest (which most often they were).

I struggled with my newly formed body. This disproportions of my breasts size (which were smaller) to my ever growing belly made it so very hard for me. I felt like a pear or bowling pin. Sure my breast were perkier, but they didn't fit my body anymore.

And it was the loved ones that surrounded me that pointed out my apparent depression. 

I took Zoloft. I felt okay. But I was not at one with my body. Talk about insecurities!

Each return doctors visit I was counseled in a kind way that losing weight would be beneficial for me (obviously). Did you know that your risk of having cancer increases exponentially if you are obese. Which I was!

Me and My Genetics Counselor

I weighed eventually weighed in at my largest weight to date...

299 pounds

I knew I was ONE pound away from being 300. I could not believe I'd let it get this out of hand. I continued to medicate my aching heart and soul with Dr. Pepper...lots and lots. I had a desk drawer full of SUGAR...lots and lots. Black licorice and mega M&Ms were my poison of choice...a long with a helping of Lays Kettle Potato Chips.

Now I wasn't a bing eater. I didn't eat an entire bag of any one thing. But I NEVER made healthy choices when it came to food and I soooooo loved my Dr. Pepper.

I knew things had to change.

I knew I felt yucky. My stomach was always upset ALL.THE.TIME.

I knew my life was in chaos and I seemed to have NO control over anything. I wasn't focus on my career, I felt very distant with my religion and I felt unhealthy.

 

Someone one asked me if I was "sad that I was overweight?" I was taken back by the question, because I always felt very happy (at least on the outside). I was outgoing, I loved my friends. I didn't sit and stew about my weight. Honestly, I didn't think I was sad. But looking back at the me then, and the me now....I am a lot happier!!

I had a friend, Annette that I'd watched her TRANSFORM over a year or so as she dropped her weight. She had lost around 120 pounds...NO SURGERY, NO BOOT CAMP. She learned she had Candida and started addressing the issue with how she FED her body. It was amazing to watch and I was very OBSERVANT. Thankfully she started teaching "Wellness Classes." There is a story I'll share another time about her classes. But that angel, she continued to invite me to attend her classes and I would graciously decline. Until one day....

Thanks to a wonderfully sweet friend, I went to my first class that begun my new JOURNEY. I will always be thankful to that friend for being inspired to offer me a ride. I was on the fence about attending and that was the one thing I needed to get me there.... a friend to drag my butt.

The more I learned about Candida the more I was convinced I had been suffering from this. The more I learned how to feed my body better the better I felt. I am constantly asked HOW I have lost my weight. That will take a little bit of explaining, so be sure to check back. I'll write another post about it soon. 

Gambling with Cancer / BRCA1

I had a dear friend put his arm around me one day and ask me, "Are you sure you really need to do this?"

My response was calm and simple. First I realized he most likely has not visited my blog and read about what this meant for me or about how I came to conclusion that having the preventative surgery was something I was very SURE about. But I decided to break it down in man speak for him....

I simply asked him this...

If I told you the airplane you were flying out had an 87% chance of crashing...but of course there is still that 13% chance it would make it to it's destination ...would you take it? His response was, "No way!"

Now if I told you we had another airplane with a 95% chance of getting safely to it's destination, would you take it. He said, "Absolutely!" I explained that this was just what I was faced with and I liked the odds of reducing my risk of getting cancer over my lifetime to about 5%...lower then your average woman my age.

 
And if you've been reading my blog you know I have an approximately 87% chance of developing breast cancer, in which led me to the decision to have my prophylactic double mastectomy and reconstruction. This option allows me to strike first, have the surgery I'd have to have any way and skip the chemo and radiation.

I loved this example of "gambling with cancer" I read somewhere and saved to share here on the blog (sorry forgot where it was from). "If someone responded with a comment about there being a 13% chance I wouldn't get cancer....I asked them if they would gamble $1000 if they had an 87% chance of winning, every single person said yes. Then I asked if they would still gamble with a 13% chance of winning...they all said no. So I said, I'm not willing to gamble with an 87% risk that something bad is going to be the result. If I had an 87% chance of winning the lottery, I'd be buying a large stack of tickets, but this ain't the kind of lottery I want to win."

Having a Pity Party Afternoon

So I thought I was finally at the stage where things start to get better and my crazy emotions aren't going up and down. Poor Kirk has suffered through some monumental emotional freak out moments and should get an award for listening and supporting me when I'm crazy. But I've been so busy with work this week that I've felt really good and like I am finally coping. In all honesty, I thought this blog had been the perfect cure for it all...and I was in fact "cured" of my depression. But all the sadness in the world and things I watch my friends going through (kid troubles, death, money, jobs and even cancer) just hit me like a wrecking ball (no Mylie reference intended) and I lost it. I hate crying when I don't feel like I have a reason dang it!

So chalking this up to a bad afternoon...

Then I remembered reading about another BRCA1 gal on the message boards. She was complaining about having a "Pity Party" and how she felt alone. Then I remembered how much loved one of the people's responses to her "Pity Party" and went in search so I could share it here.
 

Re: pity party, table of one -

by crunchster » 10/2/2011, 11:43 am

Your table has always been a popular one at the Hotel BRCA1 and there are many of us who have sat where you sit. Your posts indicate that you are already enjoying the floor show, "The Tap-Dancing Significant Other" makes frequent appearances in various costumes. Watch as he nimbly leaps and evades your every attempt to lean on him, but sometimes his show does have a surprise ending where he remains solid and there for you. You may also see the acrobatic feats of the Supportive Friends who will try to lure you from your pity place by promising to carry you on their shoulders. The trick here is to realize that some of them really can't carry themselves, much less anybody else, so be prepared for the occasional tumble if you take them up on it. Same story with the "Flying Family Trapeze" some of them will reach out and try to catch you as you "float through the air with the fear of disease" but luckily, you have already set up your own safety net here at FORCE. Even so, you may be able to cling to some of them- or not.
 
In all seriousness, the circumstances that now surround you are difficult and scary, not just for you, but for the people in your life who really care. You will learn who you can count on. There will be some who will go above and beyond your needs and expectations and others who will drop by the wayside. Some of them will fail you because they have their own baggage, not because they don't care, but because they just don't know how to help you. The lesson I have learned on my journey is don't expect people to somehow "know" what you need from them, no matter how close they are or how much they love you, they cannot read your mind or understand the dips of this emotional roller-coaster that you are now riding. Try to understand that they, too, are riding their own scary ride in which they fear for you and for the impact that this will have on their own lives. That's a hard adjustment to make and some people will just not respond in the way that you need them to. For some, time will bring them to the right place because this is, primarily, about "you." For others, it will always be about "them." For the guys in my life, I've found that concrete tasks are what they do best. My son devoted himself to finding good DVDs and entertainment for mom during her recovery. My husband helped me set up my "nest" for post-surgery. They really want to "do" something for you, even though what you may want is for them to hold you and tell you that it will be okay. And when you are ready to get up from your table, just remember that you are doing this to avoid that other table in the house; the one that faces the "exit" sign.

Angelina Jolie & Me

So both Angelina and I are BRCA1 positive...cool huh? And my cute boss said to me after I told her my news, "This is probably the only time in your life that you will have something in common with Angelina Jolie."

Which is funny because I've had a bit of a girl crush on her for the longest time. And who wouldn't love some Brad Pitt. But as you may or may not have heard, she tested positive for BRCA1 and decided to go public about her recent Mastectomy and reconstruction. If you missed it, you can read more about it in her New York Times, "My Medical Choice." 

So like any blogger or social media addict like myself, I turned to the internet and found some useful and not so useful information about being positive for BRCA1. Here are some I first found. 


Medical Choice Video 1

New York Times: The Story of a Previvor

New York Times: Revisiting a Previvor


Previvor Video