Thursday, January 9, 2014

One Month Anniversary of Mastectomy Surgery

One month ago I underwent my Propolactic Bilateral Mastectomy. It was a day filled with anxiety and fear from both me and my loved ones. I haven't felt like blogging the past month, but felt that on the first month anniversary I should take some time to share my thoughts and experience.

But first a little honesty....I'd like to say that this is a day full of celebration and happiness, but I believe I'm suffering from a touch of depression or PMS or withdrawls...not quite sure right now, but I have been very emotional the past couple of days and cry at the drop of a hat.

Okay back to what I remember about that day....

I remember driving to Huntsman Cancer Institute with my mother and husband. We'd made arrangements for my mother-in-law to bring my kids up after school since my surgery check-in time wasn't until 1:00pm. Sadly check-in time and actual surgery time are far from one another...didn't actually go into the operating room until 3:00pm or shortly after. I don't believe I was done with surgery until after 8:00pm which made for a long day for my family...especially since I don't believe I was wheeled to my hospital room until after 10:00pm.

I have a couple of memories that are still very vivid to me about that day. First, waking up from my surgery in the recovery room. I remember a sweet nurse sitting by my bedside that watched my vitals and talked sweetly with me names Shauna (loved her). However, what I remember most was waking up and the realization that my breast had been removed and feeling this overwhelming sense of loss. I began to sob and sweet Shauna held my hand. The second memory was arriving at my hospital room and my kids, mom and husband gathered around my bed holding my hands and showering me with so much love.

I think I'll blog in a separate post about the ups and downs with my first month of recovery. And instead focus on what is in my head and heart right now.

So many friends and family have shown me great love and compassionate service, for that I am very blessed. Do I regret my decision? That's a trick question...there have been many times I've wondered "what the crap I was thinking"...but regret as in wished I had not done it, not really. The recovery has been hard at times, but I have had the opportunity to watch my sweetheart of the past 22 years serve me with such great love and I love him so much more now because of that. I didn't think I would, but I have definitley mourned the loss of my breasts...but it's one of those things that unless you've been through it, it's hard to explain.

I did read an amazing blog post last night that I must share with you. It's called, "God Will Give You More Then You Can Handle: I Guarantee It." I have had so many tell me that I am brave and amazing and I don't feel that way at all. I have also been told that God would not give me a burden I could not handle and that never sat well with me. But I do believe with all my heart I would not have made it this far without my Heavenly Father. Please read the post when you have some is everything I needed to hear a month after my mastectomy and gave me such peace. I wanted to share.

Even now I was was writing this post, a sweet friend Nike, that I didn't even know she knew where I lived... dropped by the sweetest surprise for me and simply confirmed that my Heavenly Father is VERY aware of me, how I feel and my journey.