But first a little honesty....I'd like to say that this is a day full of celebration and happiness, but I believe I'm suffering from a touch of depression or PMS or withdrawls...not quite sure right now, but I have been very emotional the past couple of days and cry at the drop of a hat.
Okay back to what I remember about that day....
I remember driving to Huntsman Cancer Institute with my mother and husband. We'd made arrangements for my mother-in-law to bring my kids up after school since my surgery check-in time wasn't until 1:00pm. Sadly check-in time and actual surgery time are far from one another...didn't actually go into the operating room until 3:00pm or shortly after. I don't believe I was done with surgery until after 8:00pm which made for a long day for my family...especially since I don't believe I was wheeled to my hospital room until after 10:00pm.
I have a couple of memories that are still very vivid to me about that day. First, waking up from my surgery in the recovery room. I remember a sweet nurse sitting by my bedside that watched my vitals and talked sweetly with me names Shauna (loved her). However, what I remember most was waking up and the realization that my breast had been removed and feeling this overwhelming sense of loss. I began to sob and sweet Shauna held my hand. The second memory was arriving at my hospital room and my kids, mom and husband gathered around my bed holding my hands and showering me with so much love.
I think I'll blog in a separate post about the ups and downs with my first month of recovery. And instead focus on what is in my head and heart right now.
So many friends and family have shown me great love and compassionate service, for that I am very blessed. Do I regret my decision? That's a trick question...there have been many times I've wondered "what the crap I was thinking"...but regret as in wished I had not done it, not really. The recovery has been hard at times, but I have had the opportunity to watch my sweetheart of the past 22 years serve me with such great love and I love him so much more now because of that. I didn't think I would, but I have definitley mourned the loss of my breasts...but it's one of those things that unless you've been through it, it's hard to explain.
I did read an amazing blog post last night that I must share with you. It's called, "God Will Give You More Then You Can Handle: I Guarantee It." I have had so many tell me that I am brave and amazing and I don't feel that way at all. I have also been told that God would not give me a burden I could not handle and that never sat well with me. But I do believe with all my heart I would not have made it this far without my Heavenly Father. Please read the post when you have some time...it is everything I needed to hear a month after my mastectomy and gave me such peace. I wanted to share.
Even now I was was writing this post, a sweet friend Nike, that I didn't even know she knew where I lived... dropped by the sweetest surprise for me and simply confirmed that my Heavenly Father is VERY aware of me, how I feel and my journey.
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through... Your blog and the other blog post you linked has me in tears. I can't begin to grasp the emotional and physical roller coaster you've been on this past month, but I so appreciate you being open and sharing it with all of us. I'll will continue praying you have more & more good days as you recover and that your feelings of depression will lift. I've been suffering from what feels like a bit of mild depression for the first time in my life these past couple of months and it's seriously no fun. Sending hugs!ReplyDelete
Hi Lori. I so relate to your comment about when people say 'God will not give you more than you can handle'. I don't believe it is God that causes the things that are difficult or overwhelming in our personal lives or in the world - sometimes difficult or tragic things in life just happen. But I SO believe we have a God who will handle those things for us and be there every step of the way when difficult days, weeks, months are upon us. He never promised we would be exempt from pain and difficulty when we asked Him into our lives, only that He would be there for us providing love and comfort and stremgth. I pray that each day is a little better for you, that healing continues quickly - both physically and emotionally - and that you continue to find comfort in the love of the Father who is here to love you through it all. I love watching your cheery spirit on the Craft Channel and look forward to when you feel well enough to return again. All God's best to you! Julie H. firstname.lastname@example.orgReplyDelete
Thanks for your post and for the link...it was so needed...love you and look forward to working with you!!!ReplyDelete